After a long and busy Saturday at Horrorhound Weekend, Brian and I relaxed and ordered dinner in our room. While it’s rarely a positive experience for any Chicagoan to order pizza outside of city limits, this was the perfect food choice when one planned on following it up with copious amounts of alcohol. Saturday nights at Horrorhound were notorious for their raucous all night gatherings…and this year I was determined to join their party! Afterwards, I headed outside for some air and met a guy in the lobby who pulled out a mason jar that looked as if it were half full of motor oil. “Want some moonshine?” he asked.

I smiled but hesitated. It had only been the week before on St. Patrick’s Day when I’d indulged in another home-made concoction with my fellow pod-caster, Jason, resulting in a drunken argument between us. I’m batting a 1,000 with friends these days, folks! Please check out the “Podcast” link at the top of this page to hear our first (and possibly final) eight episodes of Terror on Tequila!

Photo taken just hours before “The St. Paddy’s Day Massacre”

At the same time, it wouldn’t hurt to get the party started before heading over to the Crown Plaza where the REAL action was. I no sooner took a swig of the jar’s contents when I felt my body temperature rise and my head involuntarily convulse. Needless to say, after chasing it down with some soda, I was looking at a whole NEW Horrorhound Weekend!

A friend of Brian’s showed up at the room and the two of them took off to chat. Brian text’d that we’d leave for the party after he returned but, not wanting to lose my buzz, I decided to walk over by myself. I no sooner entered the Crown Plaza’s lobby when I saw the bright orange of Halloween Jack & Jacqueline , once again alerting me to a gathering of horror hosts (Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer ain’t got nuthin’ on these two).

I chatted a bit with Count Gore De Vol in his civilian clothes before encountering Wisconsin PA host,  Dr. Destruction.

Dr. Destruction: “Dave, I can’t stand seeing you like this! You’ve gotta cheer up, man!”

Dave: (rolling eyes) “Dale…I’m fine.”

Moments later, orange was followed by green as yet another Wisconsin host, Freakshow Peterson from Madison, arrived at the hotel and said “hello.” He also generously shared one of his custom beers named after his favorite classic horror host, Mr. Mephisto.

No Wisconsin Host would be complete without their own beer!

My friend, Russ Wrangler, joined me soon after and immediately kicked things into high gear!  We left the hosts and hit the bar to order some potent vodka and cranberry juice (easy on the juice).

With Russ Wrangler!

As we approached the bar, Tony Todd a.k.a. Candy Man, walked past us while telling eager fans that he wouldn’t stop for photos as he was “just looking to have a drink and relax like everyone else.” This was a request he could easily afford to turn down as he was doing so well at the event, his booth ran out of stills and his assistant had to run out and print new ones!

Trust me, the guy with the blue hat is Tony Todd…

I walked over to the other side of the bar intent on getting a picture of Russ with Tony Todd nearby (above). I’d have gotten a better shot if not for this annoying drunk guy, standing on my right, who kept tapping me on the shoulder and talking to me just as I’d be ready to snap the picture. “I’m from Texas,” he said.

“Great!” I responded. “I’m from Chicago.”

“Oh…,” he replied. “I like Chicago.”

That goofy, inebriated smile on his face, coupled with the way he enunciated, reminded me of that kid from A Christmas Story. You know, the one that Ralphie encounters while waiting in line to see Santa? I half expected him to follow things up with, “I like the Wizard of Oz…”

Russ and I finally got our drinks and schmoozed around while taking more pictures. Though the conditions were rife for seeing “pink elephants,” we started seeing gorillas instead; pink, purple, red, blue, and green ones! A group of technicolor primates casually strolled into the lobby, prompting Russ to grab my arm and ask, “Dave, are we seeing the same thing or am I drunker than I thought!?”

Russ is one of those people that talks to everyone…especially if you’re a gal. This made him the ideal scout, of sorts, as he could gain their attention while I collected costumed photos.

Unfortunately, Russ didn’t quite understand that the goal was to photograph women IN COSTUMES ONLY, and just about had some poor civilian gal grab her mace when he approached her and said, “You look like Marilyn Monroe, can I take a picture with you?” She looked frightened, but agreed.

Needless to say, I felt like the biggest pervert taking their picture and, even if this particular night I was being the biggest pervert, that’s beside the point! By the way, that Marilyn line would backfire on Russ again when he’d later ask a woman (who actually was done up like a vintage bombshell) for a picture. After telling her how much he loved Marilyn Monroe, she curtly replied, “I’m supposed to be Jane Mansfield!!!” before storming off…

Concerts were going on throughout the night and we decided to check one out. We walked in and saw Dead Dick Hammer performing (whom I’d met earlier that day) and the crowd seemed to love them. Although from Kentucky, they’d performed up in my neck of the horror woods last October during The Nightmare on Chicago Street event (covered HERE). I had to miss them that night since it interfered with my responsibilities as a Svengoolie-stalker, but they were kind enough to give me a free CD! Dr. Destruction was ripping on them all night saying he’s tired of these monster/rock acts stealing what he’s been doing for years…

…and then after they were done performing asked me if I thought they’d be willing to be guests on his radio show.

Throughout the weekend, Russ and I had a running joke concerning a couple of ladies who were staying in a room near his (#603 to his #608). When he and I first met up the day before, they walked past us and tried coaxing Russ into joining them after hours, yelling, “Hey 608! Come on over later and see us!” Whenever there was a lull in the partying (which wasn’t often) we’d say, “Well, there’s always the girls in 603!” We’d also joke that their room was to The Crown Plaza what #237 was to the hotel in the movie version of The Shining. Somehow the drunker we got, the funnier that became and the laughs would continue a couple of weeks later when they managed to find Russ on Facebook (look for a “We Love Russ Wrangler” Facebook page coming soon!).

What Happens in 603 stays in Cincinnati…

We wanted to pay a visit to the pool party taking place next door but they wanted $15 a head so we decided against it. The energy level was high (like a lot of folks at this party) and the female fans were getting lots of attention no matter what their body type was, nor how bloody they’d made themselves up to be. A few gals were even going around topless in favor of body paint, like the two women at the top of this blog (Aw, go ahead and scroll back up…I’ll be here when you get back).

Everyone was having a great time and I was feeling pretty darn good myself!

With Diva of the Dead!

I bumped back into Dr. Destruction who was conversing with Woody the Clown before seeing me and immediately using the opportunity to, yet again, address my going solo…#3,786 section C!

Dr. Destruction: “Dave! There’s no need to be so sad. I’ve got a friend named Dave who has nothing to do but sit in front of a computer all day and would be perfect for your site!”

This was something I’d been getting a lot of lately. Messages from people saying, “I have a friend/cousin/neighbor named Dave” and apparently assuming that’s the only criteria for joining me on this site. I even had someone start auditioning themselves by saying, “Did you know my middle name is David?”

Dave: Dale, I do appreciate your concern but I’m not sad nor looking to find a new Dave. Anyone is welcome to contribute to my blog whether their name is Dave or Carmichael but I’m The Terror Dave from here on out and I’m cool with it.

With Dr. Destruction and a more jovial Woody the Clown

Russ rescued me from the situation by asking if I’d head up to his room so he could whip up some cocktails for us. In 2010, I attended my first Horrorhound Weekend with the aforementioned Jason. When traveling with Jason, he’s always good for bringing along a big vat of strong margaritas and an arsenal of his signature jello shots to keep us smiling throughout the weekend. Russ, it would appear, could give Jason a clear run for his money…

He not only created his own bar (with a bottle of just about every hard liquor imaginable) but had it complete with olives and celery stalks for garnishment! We downed a couple of high balls (that were so strong we may as well have been drinking them straight) before returning downstairs.  The elevator was loaded with people and some smart-ass pushed EVERY button on the console. So basically if you wanted to get to the main level (like we did) you had to stop at every floor on the way up and down.

Standing next to me was Eric Austin from the HMA who was visibly two-shades to the wind. “Da-a-a-a-ve….” he said, while putting his arm on my shoulder.” I like you a lot but you shhhaid shhhomething in your blog I didn’t like….”

Just as hammered as he was, I put my arm on his shoulder and said, “Really? Well you shhhould tell me what it issssh…I want my friendsssh to be honesssht and you can tell me anyfffing you want…”

Apparently Eric mistook one of my pre-Horrorhound posts where I mention I’m never attending another Horror Host Hall of Fame again as me saying I’d never do another Horrorhound Weekend. I assured him that I was JUST referring to the “Hall of Fame” (and, come to think of it, can we pretend I wasn’t at THIS years) but assured him that, YES, I would definitely do another Horrorhound convention.

He no sooner said he was glad to hear it when the elevator opened (for what seemed like the 50th time) on what appeared to be an abandoned floor relegated for penthouse suites. Eric grabbed his girlfriend and said, “We’re gonna check thisssh out!” and the two of them took off…ahem…as the elevator door closed behind.

After finally making it to the main floor, we found Dr. Destruction decisively more drunk and having trouble keeping balance. Apparently he’d gotten a hold of that guy’s moonshine which the man had brought over to share with his female friend, a tall model dressed in a bloody nun’s costume named “Bella Demente.” The guy later told me he was offering his brew to Bella before it got snatched away by Dr. Destruction. Dr. Destruction’s version? “That damn 7 foot nun messed me up with that moonshine of hers!!!”

Bella Demente (Photo courtesy of Brian Maze)

Whichever the case, the end result was the same and managed to transform the host from Dr. Destruction to Dr. Destroyed! Unfortunately, the alcohol did nothing to improve his disposition and as soon as he laid eyes on me, they flashed red!

Dr. Destruction: “Dave you F*CKER!!! SNAP THE F*CK out of it!!! So you lost your best friend…WHO CARES!?! Friends come and GO! Quit WHINING like a baby and GROW THE F*CK UP or I’ll knock you flat on your Svengoolie ASS!!!”

Not wanting to get knocked on my “Svengoolie Ass” (still not sure exactly what that’s supposed to mean), I immediately left the area while hearing him yell to someone behind me, “Hey! Tell Mr. Svengoolie Junior to get his ass back here!!!”

Russ is a BIG fan of the Subspecies films (he dropped over $200 at their table the night before) and was happy to see cast/crew members partying with everyone else. They were also more than happy to take photos with us…no doubt due to Russ being their “Customer of the Year!”

With Anders Hove & Denise Duff from the Subspecies series

Director of the Subspecies films and Terrorvision, Ted Nicolaou

Another great encounter was via Daniel Roebuck whom I’d been searching for since the event began. I was finally able to relay messages to him from my friend, Elizabeth Haney, as well as Count Gore De Vol. Roebuck was wearing pajama pants and seemed like he needed to relax. Good thing he was headed to the hotel restaurant bar for a refreshment…and good thing he was wearing PJ’s so he could take a nap during the time it takes those nitwits to fix a drink!

With Daniel Roebuck!

Throughout the night we saw Asia & Anders Eriksen. This latest time, they said they’d visited the pool party but it wasn’t for them and gave Russ and I their entry bracelets. Talk about luck! Russ and I wasted no time and headed over to the pool expecting it to be the party of the century.

With Asia and Anders Eriksen!

Actually it ended up being pretty lame and much less exciting than what was going on in the hotel. There were big water slides with rapids and I’m sure my kids would have loved it but, unfortunately, I was expecting Spring Break ala’ Piranha 3D with lots of boobs and fake blood. What a disappointment!

I saw my friend Aaron Christensen (who recently beat me in the Rondo category of “Best Article” which he absolutely deserved) but, since he was walking around half naked, I felt awkward in approaching him. Brian joined us in the pool area and we all sat at the cabana and had another drink. Russ and I decided to use the opportunity to get a snack so we headed over to the concession area where we met a gal that Russ had apparently talked to before (which narrows it down to 95% of the women at Horrorhound). He asked if he could take a picture with her and she demurely hesitated. Further coaxing from Russ, however, made her go from shy to downright crazy!

She liked Russ…

…she liked me more!

The whole thing was surreal and, amid the hazy cloud of alcohol, I’m pretty sure her boyfriend was watching the whole thing! Meanwhile the guy running the concession (seen in the above photo’s background) grabbed his buddies from the kitchen and wanted me to show them the pictures as they didn’t believe him when he told them what was going on (and neither did I for that matter). I was suddenly reminded of that famous Mae West line, “When women go wrong, men soon follow”…and there were LOTS to follow at Horrorhound!

Our mid-life debauchery continued as we drunkenly ran around acting like rowdy teenagers. Is this something I should have been doing or be proud of? Well, probably not. Do I have any regrets about it? Hell NO!

Even Jesus seems to appreciate my temptation

We returned to the hotel where there was a big hula-hoop contest going on and we drunkenly wooted and cheered for Midnite Mausoleum’s Robyn Graves and Sasha Mullins! “Boy, that Robyn is a great gal!” I said. “Yeah,” said Russ. “She’s so sweet I feel like a protective uncle.”

“Right!” I responded. “Just like an uncle.” (We both looked down on the floor in shame).

Rockin’ Robyn!

Sasha Mullins!

Soon I lost Russ in the crowd and never saw him again for the remainder of the weekend. To this day I’m trying to get him to admit he gave in to temptation and headed up to room 603 but, so far, he’s staying mum.

Brian and I stumbled back into the hotel room and cracked each other up with imitations of Dr. Destruction’s Kenosha accent while pretending he was having a conversation with Frances McDormand’s character in Fargo. By the time we crashed it was after 3am.

The whole night seemed a blur…but a welcome one.

Coming up…2013 Cincinnati Horrorhound Weekend concludes with Marilyn Munster & Christine!

Dave Fuentes~