4. DON’T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS (1984)

I am really not sure what to make of this movie. This time out it is not a killer Santa Claus but someone who kills people who dress up as Santa Claus during the Christmas holiday in Scotland. You would think that once the murders started no one would dress up as Santa anymore but they just keep on doing it! This movie has so many things going against it and yet it is very watchable and actually enjoyable! Go figure! Though this movie came out in the 80’s it has the feel of a movie from the 70’s, complete with bad editing, poor lighting and a horrible soundtrack. None of the characters are even likeable and yet it is actually a decent who-dunnit and some of the murders are gruesome, even though most of the time the scenes are too dark to fully appreciate what is going on. Hopefully some day this film will get a proper DVD release that is clearer with the darkened scenes lightened up a bit.

5. GREMLINS (1984)

GREMLINS is a classic movie, though maybe not a Christmas classic. It is included here because it does take place at Christmas time. Joe Dante has created a dark movie that not only is a lot of fun but it  still holds up to this day. Billy (played by Zach Galligan) gets one of the coolest Christmas presents ever, a Mogwai. The problem is three rules must be obeyed in keeping this creature (never expose them to bright light, never allow them to get wet and never, ever feed them after midnight). Of course all three rules are accidentally broken and that is when the movie becomes really fun. Parents should be cautioned though, if showing this film to youngsters. There is one exchange between Billy and his girlfriend Kate (played by Phoebe Cates) where she explains why she doesn’t celebrate Christmas, coming right out and saying that there isn’t a Santa Claus. This scene may cause many youngsters to come to you with many questions! Besides that though this is a movie NOT to be missed! Chris Walas needs to be commended too for his amazing Gremlins effects!

6. JACK FROST (1996)

This has got to be one of the most ridiculous movie premises ever. A serial killer, on his way to be executed ends up turning into a snowman of all things when the vehicle he is being transported in crashes into a vehicle hauling chemicals to be used in genetic experimentation. The killer, whose name is Jack Frost, comes back in his new form to seek revenge on the sheriff who put him away to begin with.  This movie has so much going against it and yet it works and I found it to actually be a lot of fun. It is b-movie madness at it’s best. The reason it works is because the movie never takes itself too seriously and there are sight gags and jokes throughout. The killer snowman effects are laughable and yet it manages to give the movie even more charm. If you are planning a night of boozing it up, this movie is highly recommended. If you plan on watching it without the aid of alcohol then hopefully you have a good sense of humor and are willing to REALLY suspend disbelief. One of the highlights is an appearance by AMERICAN PIE cutie, Shannon Elizabeth (before she became the has-been she is now) who dies naked.

7. PSYCHO SANTA/SATAN CLAUS (1996)/THE CHRISTMAS SEASON MASSACRE (2001)

Got a camcorder, a cheap Santa suit, and bevy of starstruck friends who can’t act their way out of a paper bag? Congratulations! You have exactly what it takes to make your own holiday horror film! Or at least that’s what the creators of SATAN CLAUS thought while making this 1996 turkey. A devious Santa, charged with the power of Satan, decides to start hacking  innocent people to death during the holiday season. The plot thickens as the killer Santa taunts local investigators (who are so busy hanging out at the station debating how to catch the fiend they don’t notice him openly chopping folks in the middle of Main Street) while no one (including the filmmakers) can tell if he’s supposed to be human or supernatural. In one emotionally charged scene, the town’s lead investigator interviews an eyewitness who describes the killing of his own wife. After listening to the woman’s account, he suddenly grabs his face like Macauley Culkin (think HOME ALONE) shakes his head incredulously, and moans, “I can’t believe he was laughing while he was killing her!!!! (as if her being chopped up with an axe wasn’t the main issue). While it is certainly true that none of the players in this flick can act they can, however, OVER act. This ironically becomes the film’s saving grace as the victim’s attempts at screaming and crying are so bad, they’re downright hilarious. Heading up the search for the diabolical St Nick is an African-American voodoo priestess and her two Hispanic children (one of which is on the police force). The film is only about an hour-long and clearly had a sub-zero budget. I will, however, give them an A for effort. The corn syrup gore, amateur love scenes (that lack the necessary filters for removing the actor’s stretch marks), and ridiculous “surprise” ending will have you Ho Ho Ho’ing while making a mad dash for the holiday schnapps!

Two more zero budget entries include PSYCHO SANTA and THE CHRISTMAS SEASON MASSACRE. In my opinion, PSYCHO SANTA is the more tolerable of the two. The acting is a step above SATAN CLAUS and I gave the film makers credit for attempting camera techniques and ideas that their budget simply couldn’t pull off. This movie is more of an anthology in the form of tales told via a married couple on their way to a Christmas party. The husband uses the long, dark drive as an opportunity to share with his wife some eerie local legends that took place during Christmas. This film does, however, get a bit dull after a while – despite a scene featuring full frontal (shaved) female nudity along with some piercings that will have you involuntarily start crossing your legs.  I found THE CHRISTMAS SEASON MASSACRE to have been ill named since the killer is actually dressed as a pirate (the back story and reason for this is too stupid to be recounted here). Other than an opening scene taking place in front of a Christmas tree, there are virtually no other ties to this holiday. While the story, acting, and dialogue is beyond ludicrous I will give them credit for some decent amateur gore.

8. SANTA’S SLAY (2005)

I will start off by saying that I did not have any hopes at all of this movie being any good, especially since everyone I had talked to said it was horrible. Maybe it was because I had no expectations but I really enjoyed this film! The Devil’s son (ex professional wrestler Bill Goldberg) loses a curling bet with an angel and is forced to play Santa Claus for 1,000 years. Now that the 1,000 years is up Santa is no longer jolly and is out for blood! As soon as I saw the opening sequence with a family sitting together at Christmas dinner (with cameos by Fran Drescher, Rebecca Gayheart, Chris Kattan and even James Caan) only to be slaughtered by Santa I knew this was going to be a fun flick! Other recognizable stars include Emilie de Ravin (from LOST), Robert Culp, Dave Thomas and Tommy “Tiny” Lister. This is definitely not one for the kiddies as there is plenty of swearing, violence and nudity…the makings of a great Christmas treat. I found myself laughing out loud in many places, and I was not even drinking alcohol!

9. THE GINGERDEAD MAN (2005)

This film, in my opinion, falls in that “so bad, it’s good” category. I have always been a fan of the Full Moon Productions’ films by Charles Band…sure they are not big budget blockbusters but most are a lot of fun and are quite creative, considering the budgets with which these films are made. Gary Busey plays Millard Findlemeyer, a psycho killer who is arrested and put to death thanks to the testimony of the daughter of one of his victims. Findlemeyer is cremated and his ashes end up in a batch of gingerbread cookie dough, coincidentally at the daughter’s bakery. When the gingerbread man cookies are put in the oven to bake, the Gingerdead Man comes to life and goes on another killing spree. Like some of the other movies on this list it never takes itself too seriously and the actors and actresses do a great job with the material they are given. This is a short film, clocking in at 71 minutes which is just perfect as no time is wasted on unnecessary scenes. Alcohol consumption, though not necessary to enjoy this film, will definitely enhance the experience. Hint: Kahlua and Cream goes great with gingerbread!

10. BLACK CHRISTMAS (2006)